GOLDFISH NEVER SLEEP
Sources close to the aquarium say goldfish have not slept in recorded history. Either they don't need to, or something is keeping them up. We know which one sounds more fun to write about.
Case Files
Breaking developments, filed as they arrive. Read at your own risk.
THE MOON: OFFICIALLY BAD
Independent researchers (us) have concluded the moon is bad, actually. It stares. It pulls the tides toward itself like it's owed something. Full breakdown below.
READ FULL DOSSIER »CATS CONFIRMED EVIL OVERLORDS-IN-WAITING
Every cat is, at minimum, a middle manager in a chain of command we don't fully understand yet. The good news: they're waiting for something. The bad news: nobody knows what.
READ FULL DOSSIER »VENDING MACHINES CAUGHT "EATING" MORE THAN COINS
The machine on level 3 has taken four dollars and given nothing back. We used to call this "broken." We now call it "diplomatic tension."
READ FULL DOSSIER »DINOSAURS STILL EXIST... AS GUINEA PIGS
They were never extinct. They were downsized. Now they live in a cage in your lounge room, watching, waiting, occasionally popcorning for reasons science cannot explain.
READ FULL DOSSIER »PIGEONS CONFIRMED AS GOVERNMENT SURVEILLANCE DRONES
Real pigeons blink. These do not. Note the stillness, the red glint in the eye, and the suspicious concentration of "birds" outside every courthouse in the country.
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