Classified
Primary-source memoranda, obtained through channels we are not at liberty to name.
TOP SECRET
MEMO 7 — RE: LUNAR PROGRAMMING
Reminder to all staff: the moon is not cheese. It is disco. Please update your talking points before the Q3 briefing.
TOP SECRET
MEMO 12-A — RE: AQUARIUM SURVEILLANCE PROGRAM
Goldfish observation program renewed for another fiscal year. Subjects continue to show zero recorded sleep cycles. Funding source: withheld.
TOP SECRET
MEMO 44-B — RE: VENDING UNIT CONDUCT
Staff are reminded not to make prolonged eye contact with vending machines, particularly the unit on Level 3. If it hums twice, back away slowly and file Form 9.
TOP SECRET
MEMO 3 — RE: FELINE LIAISON PROTOCOL
Under no circumstances should staff report directly to a cat. If a cat requests a status update, redirect to the archivist and log the encounter.