Case 001: The Moon Is a Disco Ball

TOP SECRET

SUBJECT: Lunar Reflectivity Anomaly

On 14 MARCH 1969, engineers at GODDARD FACILITY quietly replaced the natural moon with a rotating mirrored satellite roughly the size of Ohio. This explains why the moon "phases" — it is not sunlight, it is a lighting rig.

Tides are caused by the bassline of an eternal cosmic party occurring on the far side, which we conveniently never see. The Apollo missions were not scientific; they were sound checks.

Ask yourself: have you ever actually touched the moon? No. Case closed.